Archive for September, 2007

My first good hope wasn’t much different from anyone else’s. I would grow up beautiful, fall in love, find a career I loved and at which I would excel, have children who adored me, and grow old in the arms of a man who adored me. Well, that didn’t exactly work out. And so I come to my second good hope.

Some of it did happen – I love my husband, I have three daughters who love me, and of whom I am extremely proud. But the rest – not so much. I am now 45 years old; I am overweight, under-inspired, a fair-weather friend, an uncontrolled diabetic, a terrible housekeeper, easily distracted, a mother who shouts, lazy, and a frustrated artist, and I am tired to the bone of being all of these things. I am also still filled with the belief that things can get better, and that I am capable of fundamental change. This is my second good hope.

I have great intentions. I just have very little ability? desire? willpower? to carry them out. This dandelion is ready, I think, to explore avenues that have heretofore frightened me, including the concept of being just like everyone else. I have always needed to believe that I was ‘special’ and that the rules other people lived and played by didn’t apply to me. But they might. I mean, I know they do. I just have to turn what I know into what I believe. I am not too special to keep my house clean. I am not so venerated that the extra weight I carry should be overlooked by the world, by my family, by my overburdened heart. My indiscriminate comments to and about the people I love will not be overlooked because I am, after all, artistic. Forgiveness is not infinite, and I have used up my allotment long ago. It’s time to step up. This, too, is my second good hope.


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