Archive for December, 2007

Tentatively happy.

I’ve been happy for the last few days. It isn’t until I’m in the actual throes of happiness that I realize I’ve missed it, and how fragile this state of being is for me, maybe for everyone, I don’t know.

No, I think I do know; there are some people whose default is a kind of general contentment, and while they move in and out of it, it is the base level to which they return. I think I am basically, if not unhappy, then at least in some form of unrest. Living in the here and now is difficult for me. I seem to always be in a state of flux, waiting for something, wanting to go somewhere, or regretting something just passed, and about which I can do nothing. So happiness, while welcome, always comes as a surprise.

The smallest thing can trigger my mood. This time, I’m happy because I was able to gain some closure with an issue that I’ve worried over for a long, and I mean LONG, time. It felt like a ton of rock lifted off my shoulders; a rare opportunity, one most people never get, and one for which I am appropriately grateful. I also had the chance to escape my middle-of-the-road existence, if only for a short while, and play at being young and charming again. I had a wonderful time, and it helped me remember why living is worth the bother. I know, I have children that are an amazement and a wonder, but there has to be something just for me sometime, doesn’t there?  And, okay, I’m happy because I got to spend time with someone I’ve missed very much. I’m never sure if I miss the person themselves, or the person I am when we’re together, but either way, it was pure joy for me.

I’m enjoying the happiness while it lasts. It’s delicate, this state of being, and the smallest thing can end it. If nothing in particular comes along, it will eventually die on its own, fading away until I return to my own unease. But, ah, while it lasts: I’m beautiful, funny, charming, kind. See you in awhile, when I’m just me again.


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